Marriage Myths Debunked: The 95%/5% Work/Joy Ratio

Statistics are useful, functional, but sometimes they’re just…wrong! When I hear speakers, pastors and preachers state that marriage is 95% work and 5% joy I wonder what type of dysfunctional relationships they are referencing. With those type of numbers who would even consider marriage for a minute much less a lifetime? There are likely three reasons that people enter into relationships of this kind, the money, the sex or the status.

Lets face it, this economy is painful. I remember walking into jobs and being hired on the spot. Those days are over. For every three hundred jobs applied for you get 3 interviews and still might not get hired. I get it. Marriage is known for financial benefits for the parties involved. But, marriage isn’t a financial agreement between two people. Marriage involves your entire person, your mind, body and soul, not just your bank account. Yes, finances play a crucial role as to the quality of your married life and whether you will bicker about money or bask in financial bliss. But a marriage based on finances will add to the 95% work statistic.

Ahh, the joys of..SEX. Sex is a wonderful thing between a married couple. It is like the icing on a delicious cake. But, icing isn’t the main dish, it serves to enhance the cake. Many couples enter into a life-long relationship with the shaky foundation of sexual attraction. It’s like trying to drive a car a long distance on fumes, you’ll never make it to your destination. Sex isn’t designed to sustain a relationship. It is a form of communication that fosters intimacy, but it is only one part of the equation. You need a three part connection (mind, body and soul) for your relationship to stand. Just as a table needs at least three legs to stand, so does a marriage. If you treat sex as the main ingredient you will end up in the 5% joy category.

One of the most insidious reasons people marry for is status. I cannot count the number of times I’ve seen women compete when it comes to getting to the altar. Whether it's between sisters or close friends, the question of who's going to make it to marriage first is of Olympic proportions. I get it, marriage is a status builder but upon it a marriage you cannot build. Ultimately, getting married for any of these reasons will not only create a weak marriage, it will almost guarantee that you will have one that's made up of more work than joy.

4 Ways to Spring Renewal

Okay, so It's officially spring. The time for renewal, hope and of course, love. If you're not in a relationship or if your relationship has gone stale, you may be feeling a bit down. But now is not the time to despair. One of the most important relationships you have, besides the one you have with Jesus Christ, is the one you have with yourself. Often times, it is this relationship that determines how well you fair in relationships with the opposite sex. So, it's time for some spring cleaning. Take stock of how well you are 'relating' to yourself.

Self Talk
Words are important, and everyone knows, once they're out there you can't take them back. But, what about the words that never become audible. "I hate the way I look," "I never get anything right," or the ever popular, "Things won't ever change." These statements are the equivalent of junk food to the soul. They may be the food of choice at your pity party, but they are detrimental to your mental health. One of the best ways to combat these thoughts is to replace them with Scripture. Think about what God has to say about you and repeat His Words instead. "I have loved you with an everlasting love," "I will never leave you nor forsake you," and  "God so loved [me] that He gave His only begotten Son." Knowing that the God of the entire universe loves and cares for you will dispel the lies of the enemy.

Self Care
Here is an area that is often neglected. Life in our culture often operates at a break-neck speed. Sadly, it is often our necks and backs that take the brunt of our burdens. Taking time to exercise, meditate and stretch is not our number one priority.  Yes, we have to work, pay our bills and take care of our families, but if you're too sick and tired to function, none of these things will get accomplished either.  Now that the weather is warmer,  find the time to take a 15 minute walk and breathe in the fresh air and enjoy God's handiwork. Schedule an hour massage. Do some Bible art journaling. I don't know where I've been, but I just found out about the adult coloring craze and it has made it's way to the Church. There are some beautiful examples of paintings and doodles on Pintrest that are simply amazing ways to de-stress and focus on Scripture at the same time. I may even start a Bible Art Journal Blog to share with you in the future!

Feeding Yourself
Our body is our temple, but we desecrate it daily with the food we put in it. From eating excess sugar and salt to fried or processed foods, we often do more harm to our bodies ourselves than anyone else does. Be mindful of what you eat. One of the best ways to do this is to plan your meals. It doesn't have to be anything ornate or extravagant. After all, you aren't planning meals for the heads of state, but you do want to plan your meals so that the state of your head and bodily organs will be healthy. There are great apps to help with this, but the one I love the most is Big Oven. You can add your own recipes, search from recipes online and create a weekly meal plan online or on your phone. This makes meal planning fun and doable.

Dressing Yourself
Spring is a time when people put away their chunky winter clothes and search for something light. You don't have to spend a lot of money on a new spring wardrobe. Take the time to think of what makes you feel good. Everyone has that one outfit that makes them feel and look good. Think light fabrics like cotton that breathes and colors that bring out your unique skin tones. Add a pair of cute sandals or loafers and you're set! But, perhaps the best thing you could outfit yourself with this spring is a new and refreshed attitude toward your relationship with God and man and last, but not least, yourself.

Ask and You Shall Receive

When it comes to our relationships, sometimes it's hard to ask for what we want, be it a hug, help or some honey. Sometimes I think that people believe they shouldn't have to ask their spouse for certain things, they should be so in tune with their spouse that they should just know what the other person wants. This is ridiculous. We don't expect that kind of behavior from teachers, pastors or friends. If you need help in class you had to raise your hand. If you wanted prayer from the Pastor, you had to stop by after service and....you guessed it, ask!

It almost seems to be a subtle form of idolatry when we expect our spouses to read our minds, cater to our every whim. This isn't what marriage is designed for. Yes, we want our needs met and our spouses are there to help us with that. But, only God knows what we need and want deep down inside at any given moment and even He wants us to go to him in prayer and ask Him.

It helps us to deepen our relationship with our spouses when we allow ourselves to become vulnerable and ask them for what we need and want. It also keeps us from pride. Refusing to ask for help can be a matter of pride. When you think to yourself, "why do I have to ask him/her for x,y. or z?" we place ourselves in a position above others and our spouses. Now, of course your spouse should anticipate many of your needs and desires if their desire is to love and please you. But, they also have needs and desires of their own, not to mention various things pulling on them for attention and sometimes they may need a little assistance from you. So, the next time you need something, just ask and you probably will get it.

Triple A's

Relationships can be complicated. But that's not what you want in a relationship. In fact the words complex and relationship should never be in a relationship themselves. The best relationships should be easy and evolve naturally. Essentially, there are three things that healthy individuals need from a growing and thriving relationship: Affection, Attention and Affirmation.

Affection
People were made to be touched, hugged, squeezed, etc. In addition to all the drug like hormones that get released when we are touched by someone we love, affection just makes us feel good. But there's a caveat. Relationships become complex and complicated when there is inappropriate affection. Don't get affectionate with someone who is not your spouse. There, if everyone listened to this, the amount of "complicated" relationships would be reduced by over 50 percent. Make sure you are intentional about your affection. It doesn't matter if you don't "feel" like giving your spouse a hug or a kiss. Do it anyway. Just saying "I love you" but withholding affection is like a cloudy day to a plant. It looks like they are about to get watered but they never get the rain they need to grow. Affection is vital and doesn't cost you a thing, why withhold it from your spouse?

Attention
I know sometimes your mate says and does the most uninteresting things. Things that make you yawn til you tear up. But, you love this person and this person loves the stuff that makes you yawn. Part of a healthy relationship is coming out of yourself and your individual likes to see the world through their eyes, even if it's just for a few moments a day. There's no need to lose your identity and forsake all your own interests, but taking the time to listen, really listen to your spouse will make them feel loved and appreciated. So, the next time your husband wants to reel off the latest sports stats, at least celebrate the fact that his team is doing well. (You can go watch the Food Network later)

Admiration
You may not be married to a millionaire, or a doctor, but you chose to say 'I do' for a reason. There is something admirable about your spouse and you need to take the time to mention that on the regular. I don't care if the whole world doesn't know who I am or what I'm capable of, but I sure do want my spouse to find me attractive, and not just physically. After all, no one should know you better than your spouse. Don't dwell on the imperfections, celebrate your spouse's positive traits. This will encourage them to continue doing them. There's nothing so deflating or demoralizing as constant criticism. We expect that from the outside world, but at home we need a safe haven. Ultimately, giving constant affection, attention and admiration to your spouse will provide them with a fourth 'A,' affirmation. One of the reasons we get involved with another person is to receive affirmation. It really is simple to affirm your spouse, remember to give them triple A's.

What I Got for Valentine's Day

Okay, so with a title like that I know you're expecting to see photos of all the candy, stuffed animals, etc. that I received from my precious, albeit stoic hubby. Sorry to disappoint. Disappointment, the perfect segue into how many people feel around Valentine's day. Many women expect the world from their lovers on this day, despite the fact that on every other day of the year they don't expect or receive much in terms of love or respect.

Well, this being the first year of my married life, I didn't think I was expecting too much. But when the day came, I planned an intimate dinner at home with my love. I had candlelight, wine glasses which I filled with Crystal Light as neither of us drink and two corny Valentine's day cards.

I knew I wasn't going to get anything over the top for Valentine's day as I know that my husband feels that the day is a big gimmick to divest unwise souls from their money. Despite this, I couldn't help but feel a twinge of disappointment as, over the years, the remnants of this crazy culture of ours has taken its toll on my mind. So, when the night ended and I realized that I wasn't going to get anything at all, I was a little disappointed, but not too much.

Because, I stopped and asked myself, what did I really get for this very first Valentine's Day of my married life? Lets see, first I got an actual person who promised before God and man to love, honor and cherish me. Then, I got a man who never raises his voice at me, who calls me gorgeous, who provides me with shelter and ultimately, loves me. So, I could wine and complain over what I didn't get for Valentine's day: candy that would ultimately kill me (diabetes), jewelry that would mean nothing without true love and commitment, or stuffed animals (what every mature woman wants, NOT!). So, this Valentine's day, I got what I've always wanted, a good man who loves God and who loves me. There's no better Valentine's Day gift than that.

Date Night: Setting the Mood

Both times I went to Georgia Brown's I loved it. Perhaps having my first date with my now hubby and getting engaged there the second time have something to do with it. But no, there's more to it than that. When you're looking for someplace to have a great date, there are three things that are essential: ambiance, food and service.

Ambiance

While there are times when food is enough, date night is not one of those times. Since meaningful communication is the lifeblood of a good relationship, why go to a restaurant where it's loud, smoky and cramped. The food may be phenomenal but that's not the ultimate goal when planning a successful date night. Lighting, mood and music are three things that good date night restaurants have in common. If you've never been there before, call ahead and ask the restaurant what type and volume level music they play. It should be low enough so you can hear your date, but romantic enough to set an intimate mood. While I hate restaurants that have their lights so low you think they're trying to hide what's on the plate, you don't want the lighting to be so glaring that you can barely keep your eyes on your date. Striking the right balance of lighting and music will help to set the right mood.

Service

One of the things that makes for a memorable date night is the service. They really are the little things that mean the most. From the way you're greeted at the door, to the number of times the server checks on your table, you'll be amazed how at ease your date will feel when the smallest details are attended to. When my husband planned his proposal, he made sure that we were positioned at the perfect spot, the music was timely and the service was excellent. The server was excellent, the hostess was in on the surprise and on the way out she even remembered to ask how everything went. Of course I was still too in shock to give her an intelligible answer and she just took my hand to see the ring. Not every date night will turn into the big night, but learning how to choose the right places to go is great practice.

Food

I know, you thought I'd never get to the food, seemingly the star of the evening. Food quality and taste is important, but one of the things that stands out the most to me during our visit to Georgia Brown's is the fact that I can't for the life of me remember what I ate. I know that it was good and that I enjoyed it, especially before the big question. But, what I remember the most is the mood that was set, the music that was playing and the love I felt. And that's what made it memorable, not to mention the big rock I walked out with (smile).

Tips from a Newlywed

Tips from a newlywed might seem kinda counter-intuitive, like taking medical advice from a teenage doctor, but there are some things you may have forgotten after several years of marriage. So, think of it like a reminder from your younger self. After all, there is no reason that you can't occasionally do some of the things you did when you first got married.

Compliments

While some couples never did much of this even when dating, compliments are one of the least expensive but most memorable and lasting gifts you can give your spouse regardless of how long you've been married. A person can live for days on the memory of a good compliment (I know I can:). Compliments don't have to be corny or insincere. Just take a moment to think about your spouse and something you appreciate about them and go from there. The timing of a compliment is important too. Don't give one to get out of trouble or after an argument. Give compliments when things are going well and give them regularly. Don't fall into the trap that your spouse already knows how you feel and what you think of them. It doesn't matter, compliments will make them feel better about themselves and the relationship.

Touch

Now this one should be a no-brainer, but it's amazing how many couples rarely touch each other. There's a problem when your life is so busy and chaotic that you don't have time to give the person you've promised to share your life with forever a tight 30 second squeeze. I won't go into the physical and mental health benefits of touch, but needless to say, they are great. Don't fall for the "I'm just not the affectionate type," line that a lot of people throw out there. If this is you, perhaps you should have remained single. Great relationships thrive on intimacy and touch is a form of physical intimacy without which your relationship will suffer.

Dates

Surprisingly this one is something that even newlyweds can forget to do. It's so nice to cuddle up at home in front of the television that you forget to go out together, even if it's for a leisurely stroll. The right date can open up the lines of communication. People forget to actually talk to each other when they're in the comfort of their own homes watching television or eating their meals at separate times. Going out for dinner with your spouse is a great time to talk about what matters to each of you as a couple and individually. Dates don't have to be expensive or become a chore. Go to a museum and discuss art, visit a park and have an impromptu picnic. If you make an effort in your marriage, the results will surpass the work you put in.

Sex

Okay, now for the big kahuna. It's amazing how many married couples aren't having sex. Barring medical issues (which should be checked out) married people should have sex. I know that you're as comfortable together as two old shoes or like brother and sister, but you're not. No one gets married for their relationship to turn into a brother and sister relationship. Sex is something God gave married couples to enjoy with each other and provide the greatest physical intimacy that two people can enjoy on earth. Your spouse comes first, so don't give them leftovers. Save some energy to enjoy a regular sex life with them after your day is done. So, while these tips are from a newlywed, they definitely are not new. But,  they are important to keep you happily wed no matter what stage of marriage you're in.